Born Loser?

For my first week as a college graduate my plans are to hang out in Davis, relax, go to the Rec Pool, catch up on reading and write my thank you letters. Since the electricity is out for the day at my house, I decided to cruise the town. During my solo lunch at Pita Pit I picked up the UC Davis newspaper, the California Aggie. I quickly became excited when I realized that it was Tuesday, which means that the ex-Davis Hometown Celebrity Lamar Haystick’s column “Born Loser” would be on the second page.

Lamar writes a very entertaining weekly column about how pathetic he is and how he has no “game” with the ladies. A few years ago, my friends and I were so entertained by his column that he was often the topic of conversation over Tuesday night dinners and we would intentionally get in his checkout lane at Safeway where he worked just to get a glimpse of him. The mystery of this born loser continued for about a year until my sisters and I randomly met him at a Benefit Dinner after our Yoga class. As if he were actually a celebrity, Amy bombarded him with questions regarding his column like “Did you really live in the Safeway women’s bathroom for a month?” and “So your car actually got towed away with you sleeping in it?” He was obviously very flattered by the attention by the stunning attractiveness that my identical twin sister possesses. From then on the mystery of Lamar began to fade and instead of us semi-stalking him, he began semi-stalking my sister. Amy actually got unkowingly suckered into a hot night on the town with Lamar. She may not admit it, but I think she secretly wanted Lamar to write about how the “born loser” scored a hot date with a hot lassie, but unfortunately next Tuesday there was nothing written. Anyways, here’s a link to his article where he basically verbally gets worked by an aggie reader.

Written While Listening to "Magnolia Mountain" by Ryan Adams